Emotional RollerCoaster

Haven't been on this for a long time.. and to be completely honest I need to talk to someone or for better words SOMETIHNG.. I don't really know where to start my mind is in a haze I guess you could say, I've never been so emotional in my life and this year has just been an emotional rollercoaster. I thought this year was going to be great I was working like crazy and enjoying my time with my friends as much as I possibly be could. Everything came to end when reality called me.. I found out my Grandmother was ill I mean I knew she was sicks shes old and had Alzheimer.. Basically I got a text from my mother telling me she wanted me home this weekend so I rushed home and I found out my Grandmother was very sick and it wasn't looking to good. this was mothers day weekend I spent the whole weekend next to her side I slept on the floor next to her bed every night or just sat there and watched her in her sleep praying and hoping she would get better.. that whole weekend she was off and on sometime she would look great then you turn your head and she looked like she was taking her last breath so I stayed until Tuesday everything was going fine so my mother and I took the train home that day. we got a call again on wednesday around 8 saying that this was gunna be her last night with us we left right away to go be with her. she looked so ill I couldnt help but cry. it was a false alarm but we stayed the rest of the week just in case. she seemed to get better as the days went on, she was happy and for Washington the weather was amazing it was sunny all week but on saturday may 14th is was just rainy and cold there were black clouds surrounding the house it was odd but that night I decided to leave the house and spend it with my siblings and have some fun... may 15 I wake up to my aunty saying girls wake up ma passed away. I felt like my heart had stopped, it all felt like a bad dream until I saw her, she looked at peace but now my whole world was fucked.. its been about 5 months and I still cant get over it im emotional drained and exhausted I cant even sit there for 5 mins and look at a picture of her I choke up and tears instantly form in my eye.. and every one who know me knows im not one to cry.. i dunno where this is going but i just feel like i have no one to really talk to about this casue i feel like no one really understands what im going thru right now and i dont like putting ppl in that situation. my mind is all fucked up and by far 2011 has been the worst year of my life.. I miss her more then ever and would do anything to just see her again just for a moment to be able to hold her and see her smile one more time and to say i love you and hear her say it back that all i want I just want her back call me selfish I dont care I want to see her and be next to her.. I hate feeling like a big part of me is missing...

this blog might not make sense but i needed to let it out..