unfinished thought

I start to realize that I walk along these streets wanting more then I can take in. I take in the sweet aroma of Spring. Everlasting rain drops pouring from the heavenly clouds above. Moments like this, I feel as if the world has stopped spinning, the people and animals around me are frozen in time, and everything I know and love are untouchable. My thoughts and emotions have taken complete control of my body. I walk in disbelief of what has became of the truth. Depression and insanity have taken its course. I see the world and interact with everyone and everything in it, but I still feel as if I am caged in. Trapped in my own mind locked in forever hoping for something positive to appear so I can break out. But the more I lay within the walls of my mind the more I became apart of it, my body starts to grow within these walls as if my mind does not want me to escape. The walls of my insanity become one with my flesh, intertwined with my body and soul. Everlasting pain in Spring. My mind unfolds the truth or what may be the truth as I walk these empty frozen streets.

A new Beginning

The last 7 blogs I uploaded were from my old blog on here. I decided to start a new one. I felt like the old one was during a time in my life where there was just too much negativity in my life. So in a sense this is me starting over. I chose the 7 that I felt were the best out of my old ones. To whoever actually reads my blog I hope you enjoyed most of them where from 2008 and like I said I'm trying to get back into writing because it once was a great passion of mine. (:

Forever and Always in my Heart

The strong person I once knew is faded into a little kid. The joyful look in your eyes when you see me is now turned into a look of confusion and frustation. Your memory of me is faint, my heart is broken from what my eyes see and what my ears hear.
Stories of what you've become is of a person I dont know, not anymore that strong person I once knew. I pray for things to be normal, for you to come back.
Fate doesnt work that way. Knowing that you will leave with out any notice kills me, and breaks my heart that's already broken. To know that I will probably never get the chance to say GoodBye and I Love You hurts me. And I cant take anymore of this pain.
Theres so much I have to say to you, so much I need to learn from you like all the others. I wish that you could stay forever with me and be the strong person that you once were.
Theres so much you need to teach me, so much more time that we could spend together. I cant take this pain anymore.
Why do you have to leave me? Why do you have to leave this way? Your not yourself. No longer the strong person that everyone looked up to. I miss you although you are right in front of my eyes. All you see is a girl you know but isnt quite sure who it is. You knew me so well.

I miss you even though you're not gone yet. But that time could be soon, no one really knows yet. Why you? I pray fro God to take anyone but you. All I want is you back the person who knew who I was and would massage my belly when I was ill, the person who I had a strong relationship with even though we didnt understand a word either one of us were saying. I miss you.
I love you and want you to stay..!

Right now I feel like no one can feel the way I'm feeling right now.
To know that the person I love most in this world (other than my mom) could be gone before I know it, kills me soo much I dont even know what to think, I know I should be strong right now and not think of the bad but the good, but thats not working. The more people even bring you up I just get so emotional I cant imagaine you gone not for one second. I just cant.

I love you..Forever and always in my heart.

Amazing

What do I, Martha want to be when I grow up? hmm I dont really know the answer to that question. I'm kind of thinking about being a writer, but than again Id be a good comedian, well so my friends think.

I love to write...

But...

I love to make people laugh

Im reall good at coming up with stories and when I start writing I cant stop, Its like my drug, it fills the longing and excitment that i need and or missing, its an amazing thing, and I love it, without it I really dont know what i would do, I would probably become a MAD WOMAN. I dont think any one would want and or like that, I know I wouldnt I would probably kill myself if I became a MAD WOMAN. 

Than there is comedy

I love to make people laugh, its weird, I never knew I was funny untill 7th grade. That was how I made my friends, I made joke, I was the clown. Im really good at changing my voice and coming up with a story to go along with that voice, I make up random things and I dont know where I pull them out of. Its kind of cool, I love seeing people laugh at my jokes it makes me feel like I belong some where, and to some thing, instead of being this blob walking the earth. It feels good to belong.

I dont know what I want to be maybe i could be both.. Yeah thats a good idea. I should,that be cool.

Well to everyone else have fun trying to figure out what you want to be, or who you are...

Thats something I still have to discover and that will be a long, bumpy journey which is what Im willing to take. Ups and downs always happen, there always excuses, but you shouldnt let them stop you from finding yourself, no matter what.

Just take the risk, it wont hurt that much.

Life isnt easy, its an unsolved puzzle calling your name

Memories

She is trying to be a women. She reads what you wrote, it hurts her more than you know. You and her have been through so much, she thought she was your hero, she thought she was your favorite person in the world. She thought and she thought and it broke her heart to know that there was only a little space for her in your heart. You dont know how she feels, she will never ever dare to tell you. She isnt near you but that shouldnt change things, should it? She wants to cry but tries to be a women, tries to be tough for you and her. Tries and tires and tonight she finally fails. Fails at everything, she is ashmed and mad at herself for ever thinking she would be a big part of your life. She thinks of the times when you two were bestfreinds, when you two were never apart. And she comes to reality. She knows things could never be the same. But when you two are alone and talk of the memories and look each other in the eyes she know that there will always be a place in your heart for her and she loves that and puts her pretty big smile on her face just for you.

How are you?

How are you?

Well I really hate that question, How am I? I think to myself, and every thought hits me all at once. Everything that happens today or whatever day. And I think to myself does this person really care about how I'm feeling today or are they just asking because they can?

Should I really tell them how I feel, or should I tell another lie today? "I'm good, everything is just great." with little emotion coming from my voice, and forcing a smile to appear across my face.

But does this person really know that I'm in the most worst mood ever? Do they know that deep down inside I'm hurting for love?
No I doubt it so I lie again. With a fake smile slapped on my face.

I wonder what going through their heads.. If they notice just by the emotion thats missing in my face and found in my deep dark brown eyes? Do they see it?

The answer is a big fat NO..becasue they walked awaying showing me that they really didnt care, just thought they should ask. But why? Why ask this question. The question that is going to get a false answer?

So I'm ending this with the question I hate the most, for those of you who read this.
How are you? Really...

Emotional RollerCoaster

Haven't been on this for a long time.. and to be completely honest I need to talk to someone or for better words SOMETIHNG.. I don't really know where to start my mind is in a haze I guess you could say, I've never been so emotional in my life and this year has just been an emotional rollercoaster. I thought this year was going to be great I was working like crazy and enjoying my time with my friends as much as I possibly be could. Everything came to end when reality called me.. I found out my Grandmother was ill I mean I knew she was sicks shes old and had Alzheimer.. Basically I got a text from my mother telling me she wanted me home this weekend so I rushed home and I found out my Grandmother was very sick and it wasn't looking to good. this was mothers day weekend I spent the whole weekend next to her side I slept on the floor next to her bed every night or just sat there and watched her in her sleep praying and hoping she would get better.. that whole weekend she was off and on sometime she would look great then you turn your head and she looked like she was taking her last breath so I stayed until Tuesday everything was going fine so my mother and I took the train home that day. we got a call again on wednesday around 8 saying that this was gunna be her last night with us we left right away to go be with her. she looked so ill I couldnt help but cry. it was a false alarm but we stayed the rest of the week just in case. she seemed to get better as the days went on, she was happy and for Washington the weather was amazing it was sunny all week but on saturday may 14th is was just rainy and cold there were black clouds surrounding the house it was odd but that night I decided to leave the house and spend it with my siblings and have some fun... may 15 I wake up to my aunty saying girls wake up ma passed away. I felt like my heart had stopped, it all felt like a bad dream until I saw her, she looked at peace but now my whole world was fucked.. its been about 5 months and I still cant get over it im emotional drained and exhausted I cant even sit there for 5 mins and look at a picture of her I choke up and tears instantly form in my eye.. and every one who know me knows im not one to cry.. i dunno where this is going but i just feel like i have no one to really talk to about this casue i feel like no one really understands what im going thru right now and i dont like putting ppl in that situation. my mind is all fucked up and by far 2011 has been the worst year of my life.. I miss her more then ever and would do anything to just see her again just for a moment to be able to hold her and see her smile one more time and to say i love you and hear her say it back that all i want I just want her back call me selfish I dont care I want to see her and be next to her.. I hate feeling like a big part of me is missing...

this blog might not make sense but i needed to let it out..